Courting Miss Karkat
by dear cecil
Summary: Kismesissitude is hard to understand. Karkat and Equius, centered on the latter.


the only kismesissitude i believe in

* * *

Equius looked down at Karkat, gritting his teeth as the other troll spoke to him. Well, it was actually more like yelling than like speaking, but he was thinking of it as STRONG speaking, so it was not an issue. What was an issue was that he could feel himself sweating through his shirt again, and it was actually only an issue because that was what Karkat was STRONGLY speaking to him about.

"WHY THE FUCK DO YOU ALWAYS SWEAT ALL THE TIME?" Karkat asked him STRONGLY. "IT'S FUCKING DISGUSTING. I CAN BARELY STAND TO LOOK AT YOU, MUCH LESS STAND NEAR YOU; YOU REEK LIKE A GODDAMN OOZE-LOAD FRESH OUT OF THE SEED-FLAP."

Equius let Karkat continue his STRONG display of annoyance. He was too busy with his own thoughts to really listen to the words he was saying; it was the vehemence that he was paying attention to. He could not recall ever having been the focus of someone's hatred like this before, and wondered what it could possibly mean. He watched as Karkat gesticulated wildly in his regular fashion, and crossed his arms, digging his fingers into his biceps; they slipped over his sweat-slicked skin, and he felt the grime of wet flesh beneath his nails.

Equius was seventy percent sure that Karkat did not have a Kismesis yet, and that he was probably looking for one. It was difficult to understand why Karkat would make such a decision, however. "What do I have that he could be 100king for?" Equius wondered to himself as Karkat accused him of being brain-damaged, and stated that his mind was probably leaking out of some childhood wound that had festered for sweeps and which only added to his stench. At the same time, a trickle of sudor ran down his forehead, past his nose, and down his chin. It dripped onto his arm.

Equius was unsure whether he felt offended or flattered. Karkat's hatred for him truly knew no bounds. He had not been looking for a Kismesis himself, but judging by the immense depth of Karkat's loathing, he would not have to search: His fated Kismesis had been there before him all along, and the thing to bring them together had been his diaphoresis.

He was bothered, however, by the fact that Karkat had gone so long without acting. Equius also had trouble coping with the idea that his Kismesis could be so full of rage, yet so inferior to him. His mutual hatred should only be shared with an equal or a superior, surely! But then, he realized, he could never truly hate a superior. The mere thought of it made him perspire more violently than he had ever since Karkat had started speaking STRONGLY to him.

"YOU'RE NOT EVEN FUCKING PAYING ATTENTION TO ANYTHING I'M SAYING, ARE YOU?" Karkat demanded, just as Equius finally turned his attention back to him. He neglected to respond; there was no need to, now that Karkat's hatred had been so STRONGLY established. He nodded to himself, or perhaps to Karkat, and leaned down to show the other troll that he accepted his proposition of Kismesissitude.

There was an odd, wet factor to their kiss, but Equius realized it probably had a lot to do with the fact that his face was practically oozing sweat. Also, Karkat seemed to be flailing his arms quite a bit more than usual. He pushed against Equius' STRONG chest, and punched him STRONGLY in the face.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?" Karkat demanded, scrubbing at his lips furiously. "I CAN TASTE YOUR FUCKING SWEAT IN MY MOUTH. THIS IS LITERALLY THE WORST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME."

Equius was perspiring so much that he may as well have been swimming, his clothes completely drenched with it, his hair matting to the nape of his neck, to his temples, to his forehead. "I feel the same way."

Karkat opened his mouth to respond, then clacked it shut. "ACTUALLY," he said after a moment of hesitation, "THIS IS NOT THE WORST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME AT ALL. IN FACT, IT IS SUCH AN INSIGNIFICANT EVENT IN MY LIFE THAT I WILL PROBABLY FORGET THAT IT EVEN OCCURRED AS SOON AS I LEAVE. BECAUSE NOTHING IMPORTANT HAPPENED HERE."

"Stop being coy, Karkat," Equius said. "You must tr001y hate me to try to f001 me by feigning apathy!"

"NO," Karkat said STRONGLY. "I DON'T HATE YOU. IN FACT, I LOVE YOU. YOU ARE THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE, EQUIUS. PLEASE GUIDE ME THROUGH THE DARKNESS OF MY IMMENSE HATRED FOR ALL THINGS THAT ARE NOT YOU."

"What?" Equius' mouth went dry, while the rest of him was moister than ever.

"YOU HEARD ME."

Equius looked Karkat up and down. "This was a good start, but if you want to be my Kismesis, you are going to have to be more committed to this, Karkat."

"I AM COMMITTED TO YOU, EQUIUS. I ADORE YOU."

Equius laid a STRONG hand on Karkat's shoulder, his clammy palms spotting Karkat's clothes with sweat. "Until you hate me completely, I just don't know if this can work," he told him. "I thought you were STRONGER in your convictions, but apparently, that's not the case. You're just not ready for Kismesissitude with me. Don't argue," Equius said before Karkat could say anything in response. "It's just how it will have to be. I need to go get a towel now."

He patted Karkat STRONGLY once more before leaving to find a towel to wipe himself down. The wet imprint of his hand remained on Karkat's shirt long after he left.

"I HOPE EQUIUS FUCKING KILLS HIMSELF WITH THAT TOWEL."


End file.
